Sex. I like it – a lot.
That doesn’t mean I’m a sex addict. I haven’t had sex in a month, and before that – well, let’s just say it had been awhile.
This may seem like a very odd way to begin a blog – stating that I like sex, but I think it’s important for you to know that I’m a woman and I like sex, and surprise, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sure, you might be thinking, “No one ever said it was.” But people do – the world does. It’s in the articles about focusing on being celibate, or not having sex with a guy on the first date, or the religious folks that say we should wait until marriage, the rap songs that call me a hoe, and those that explain why I shouldn’t be a “fuck girl” or mess with “fuck boys.” You’ve heard the stories from your girlfriends or maybe even yourself – how you feel guilty or bad or just not right when you have sex with a guy you just met or someone you’ve been dating.
If you’ve been bombarded by this rhetoric, of sex and women and negative connotations, I just want you to know, that’s not true for all of us.
For me, sex is great. I’ve never had a negative experience, never regretted my decisions, and I’ve always gotten my fair share of pleasure. I’ve had less than 10 partners (though sometimes I wish it was more), and all have been different – some have been boyfriends, others one-night stands, a few were guys I was dating or talking to, and one was a friends-with-benefits situation.
And I’m sharing this because I want you to know my narrative and the narrative of thousands of women all over the world and the narrative that you can have with sex in your life. Sex doesn’t have to be equated with something bad or less-than for you as a woman. Sex can be fulfilling and powerful and empowering.
Now I’m not saying that you should go blindly out into the world without a plan. For instance, I have promised myself to not have sex unless I know it’s going to be good for me. Yes, I believe I should be extremely selfish in my decision and so should you! This means being in-touch with my body and its needs and wants and correctly gauging the sexual chemistry between I and a man who I meet. See, I only have sex with men that I’m super attracted to — especially a hormonal attraction (and if there’s more than that — even better!) That may be easier said than done for some people – but that’s not to say it can’t be done.
Secondly, I’m (usually) strict in my decision to use protection and by this I mean be on birth control, as well as using condoms to protect myself from STDs. Sex will be a stressful thing for you if you’re obsessing about possibly being pregnant or contracting one thing or another.
Next, figure out what you like about sex. Read romance novels with hot sex scenes. Watch porn. Ask your friends about their sex life. Watch sex documentaries. Masturbate. Buy a sex toy. Read blogs. Buy a sex journal and fill it out (see the one below!). Just inform yourself about the big wide world of sex and try to discover what you like or what you think you might like. If you don’t know what you like about sex and what works for you and your body — how are you going to be able to have good sex? Think about it.
Below is a great FREE downloadable “Sex-ionaire” that we created for you! Answer the questions to get a better sense of what you like about sex.
Now for me, I’m clear of negative mental connotations associated with sex. I wasn’t raised in a religious household that encouraged me to wait until marriage. I also have never been sexually abused or harmed in any way. I’m also very confident and in love with my body and have never been afraid to show it to another. But I know those realities and issues are common for many women. It won’t be easy to enjoy sex unless you’re in a good mindset about sex and your body. This may mean you need to go to a therapist to work out these negative or guilty feelings associated with sex or help you come to terms with your assault. Or maybe it means that you need to work throughout these things on your own with a journal or personal reflection. Whatever path you choose to take, just know that, no, you won’t have a good experience with sex until you’ve worked these things out within your mind and yourself. Beyond just helping you to have good sex – working through these thoughts is going to help you overall in your life.
Last but not least, let’s stop judging other women about their sex lives. We live in a patriarchal world and sometimes with that, we’ve been raised and accustomed to think that women having multiple partners or one partner or no partners or partners without attachments is just “bad,” or “unhealthy,” or a “cry for help.” That’s untrue.
And if I have to hear one more person say that women who have sex with different people are “hoes” or “whores” or “promiscuous” — I will scream. Because here’s the thing — men can have sex with as many people as they want and nothing is said. A woman who explores sex, what she likes intimately in bed with another person — well, she’s crucified. But she shouldn’t be.
Women deserve to explore their sexuality as much as they want and they deserve to feel empowered by that — and they should! There’s nothing wrong with you if you consciously make that decision. There’s nothing wrong with you if you want to try new things in bed (or outside of it). There’s nothing wrong with you if you have a friends-with-benefits situation or if you’re a fuck girl. It’s your body and your experience and your sexuality and it’s okay — here’s the kicker — TO LIKE SEX.
So my ladies, my friends, I’m not saying you get out this evening and find someone to bring home (though high-five if you do!). All I’m asking is that you leave this blog with an open mind and a new perspective — that, yes, women like sex and there are even some that have wonderful, amazing experiences with it — and you can too.