I was writing in my 300 Writing Prompts notebook that I got from Barnes and Noble and I stumbled across this question as I was flipping through the pages:
In what way are you strong?
As someone who went through hell and back, I already knew what I was going to write because my whole life, I had no choice but to stay strong.
I was emotionally and physically hurt for a majority of my life and sexually mistreated by people who had no right to hurt me during the ages of five and 10. I moved around so much because of my father’s job and I hated it. I lost many potential long-term friends and relationships. Then my daddy issues took its toll on me when I was in high school. Because I felt unloved in my own home, I looked for love in boys that just wanted my body, and at the time, I saw it as love.
I ran away from home at the age of 20 because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. However, I didn’t use my freedom in the best way. For some time, I slept around with different men and eventually caught an STD. The woman I met on an INFP Facebook group and helped me with my runaway, kicked me out because of my borderline personality disorder. I made friends with the wrong people and got into stripping/prostitution and drugs. My life was just a mess.
But despite all that, I also used my freedom to help me figure out some things about me. I was eventually diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder or “BPD.” I started self-harming at the age of 15, and to this day, I still have my moments of relapse. I have been to two psychiatric facilities due to suicidal thoughts and behaviors. I have had two counselors, but they both ended so suddenly and abrupt that I had no time to fully recover, so I am still left untreated. Everything that has happened to me still affects me and everyday is a struggle. However, if those things had not happened, I wouldn’t be the warrior I am today.
My life right now no longer requires make-up and platform heels. My life no longer requires rolled up dollar bills and credit cards. My life pretty much consists of trying to get by with God, my boyfriend, and cat by my side. To be real, I am not in the field I want to be in. At times, I do miss coming home from work with a couple hundred dollars in my bag.
I am not completely healed. I have had my fair share of breakdowns and relapse scars. But I do know I am blessed. I may not have everything I want, but at least I have what I need like a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and people who love and support me. I may not be where I want to be, but I do know God has some plans for me and He wants me to stick around to find out what they are.
There were many times where I felt hopeless. I had many reasons to just give up and end everything because I was so unhappy with life. But somehow, I am still here and I believe that is what makes me strong. Regardless of my troubled past and the judgement I still get, I still do me, stay in my lane, and try not to hurt anybody or the world. I am still alive and continuing on even though at times, it’s the last thing I want to do, but I think that is the strongest thing anybody can do. That’s what makes me strong. And I just keep getting stronger.