My husband deserves better than me.
Before you get your panties in an uproar, I want you to understand that I am making this admission as a result of self-discovery and his encouragement to improve myself. It’s also a result of continuing work on our marriage, which allows us to make it everything we dreamed it could be.
I’m beginning to come to grips with familiar behaviors that I long denied or felt were something that I was not responsible for. As I have started to become increasingly self-aware of certain nuances that I portray, I am also struggling to keep up with what to do with that information. It’s incredibly intense having so many emotions come together all at once, so that different ideas are struggling to come to fruition as a means to cope with whatever bad habit or traits I’ve displayed. Being incredibly self-aware is both a blessing and a curse.
The upside to this is that I feel a deeper understanding of what it truly means to be in a marriage with your best friend and soulmate, whom you’ve pledged your life to. It’s so easy for us to get comfortable around the people that are closest to us, but we have to keep in mind that in that comfort we start to forget certain vows we put in place the day we pledged our love to each other. We let certain things like work and money and deadlines and social pressures and family put the brakes on the happiness that we have been working on from the day we started being together. We become so consumed with our self-image that we forget what it should mean to us and the person that we chose to go on this journey with. The fear of failing and of having people look at you differently and letting that affect you to the point of absolute terror has destroyed too many relationships, too many families and too many friendships.
The ideal situation for a relationship isn’t 50/50. It’s not 75/25 or even 60/40. Relationships are 100/100. What I mean by that is you both give a hundred percent of your all to each other and to yourselves every single day. I sometimes think that too many people in life are going about the pursuit of happiness all wrong. Everyone is so ready for a quick fix. No one wants to put any work into anything or make an effort, but they’ll spend all that effort on complaining about why they’re not happy. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not coming down on everybody that complains about being unhappy. Sometimes you find yourself in situations that are a little trickier to get out of and the only thing that you can do is change your perspective about that particular situation. It’s called a catch-22 and it sucks. No, the people I’m referring to are the ones that aren’t willing to put in the work and that aren’t willing to see that they are the ones that are responsible for their own happiness.
When I sit and think about the amount of time and energy that gets wasted on the negative self-talk that we say to ourselves and aloud to our loved ones because we can vent to them about anything…
When I sit and think about the number of times that I may have to reassure my husband that he’s the most talented man that I’ve ever met and that he can do anything he puts his mind to…
When I sit and think about the number of times my husband has asked me to stop worrying because he’s not upset…
I could keep going down the long laundry list of things we do and think and say that are not conducive to our own self-image and our relationships, but that would also be wasting valuable time. What I am going to do, however, is be more conscious of every time my husband does something for me without a second thought just because that’s who he is.
I’m going to stop telling him what he needs to stop doing or start doing and just tell him “Trust in yourself, I know you’ll make the right decision” and to only give my advice when it’s asked for and stop forcing the unsolicited advice on him. He knows what he has to work on and he doesn’t need me to continue to rehash it for him every single day that I find the opportunity to bring it up.
What I’m going to start doing is sacrificing much more than I have in the past because he deserves to be treated with the same love and respect that he shows me on a regular basis.
Now I’m not saying my husband is not without his faults. What I am saying is that he has a lot less faults than I do and the thing that I love most about him is that he doesn’t judge me, despite my faults. He doesn’t point out things that I need to change. Or when I complain that I’m feeling fat or unhealthy he doesn’t tell me that I need to do something about it. And I’m so incredibly lucky to have someone in my life that makes it unnecessary to celebrate our love once or twice a year on Hallmark holidays. Every day is Valentine’s Day because of the constant love and support he gives me.
Sometimes it’s particularly hard for me to express how I’m feeling when I’m in a vulnerable state. The only thing I can think of is that it’s a coping mechanism from past hurts and I feel like I have to put the shields up in order to protect myself. No one said that the growth process would be an easy thing to do. A diamond is created by years of pressure. The growth process is never easy and I have to be honest with myself, I probably wouldn’t be here right now going on this journey if I wasn’t with my husband.
I don’t think I’ve confessed to him that he is the reason that I am trying to be a better person. That his heart and his kindness and his love is what gives me the strength to face another day and fight for a better future for our family. I do pledge to continue to be the wife that my husband needs me to be, the mother my son needs me to be, the friend that my friends need me to be, the daughter that my mother needs me to be, the sister that my brothers and their wives need me to be, as well as be the person I need to be to whomever else I encounter on my path to betterment.
I don’t expect every day to be perfect and I don’t expect it to not come without struggles. I do expect to continue fighting the fight to maintain this positive attitude that I’m trying to have about life. But one thing’s for sure is that nothing is going to stop me from trying.