Marriage before 30? DON’T. DO. IT.

Well, okay. Fine. You can do whatever you want. You can get married when you’re 18, 21, or 55. It’s totally up to you. I just wanted to add my voice to the many, and put it out there that I think it’s wrong to encourage young people to get married before 30.

This is for those of you that have been taught that your life begins with marriage.

This is for those of you that feel like your worthiness is defined by a relationship.

This is for those of you that had nosy families, who would tease and mock your dating attempts, rubbing it in that you’re still single, or whatever.

You see, my dream since I was 12, was to be married by age 20, and have 3 kids by age 25. I thought that once I was married and had children, then I would feel content and happy with my life.

Via Random Gifs

I spent the majority of my teenage years living in the suburbs. And what I have learned from having left the suburbs, is that suburbia means well, but it’s a fucking judgmental place. People feel entitled to give their opinions on your relationship status, when it’s totally not their place. And there’s this unspoken pressure, to partner up, and “start your life” by getting married.

[Insert megaphone voice] IT’S TOTAL BULLSHIT.

Life starts when you begin making decisions for yourself as an individual. When you accept that failure is part of learning and growing. Ultimately, life starts when you pick up the map and plot out your own journey.

So this stuff about marriage? Yeah… those messages about marriage are always going to be around. The truth is that humans are biologically engineered to need love, connection, and belonging. And when our needs for love and belonging are not met, we fall apart, break, get sick, self medicate, rush into relationships – we do whatever we can to fill the void. And I get it, it’s normal to want to be close to someone.

The key to marriage, dear friends, is to know yourself inside and out before you begin that journey.

Sure, some people get married first, and get to know themselves second. But it’s a much smoother process if you get to know yourself first. I mean, life is all about changing and growing. Each new season brings new lessons and new choices. And when you’re 20, you don’t have as much life experience to tell you who you really are.

And, yes, ok – age 30 is just a random age I picked. But I picked it because I don’t think you really know who you are until you’re close to 30. I, for example, had no idea that my sex drive would reach a new totally-delicious level when I got close to 30. That I would start getting tingly boner-like feelings every time I thought about sex. I mean, it’s weird, but that’s me.

And now, I’m SO GLAD that I waited to get married. Cause if I had married my boyfriend of 4 years when I was 20, I very likely would have been stuck in a marriage with someone who I had grown apart from. OR, I would have forced myself to fit into a lifestyle that wasn’t right for me.

Do yourself a favor. Ignore the busy-bodies that feel entitled to give their opinions on your love life. Put the idea of getting married first aside, and spend as much time as you can getting to know yourself.

Try things. Take classes. Go skinny dipping. Lick ice cream off of someone’s chest. It doesn’t matter how you find yourself. Just get out there and start looking. Tell yourself what you like and what you don’t like. Have adventures. Get hurt. Grow.

It’s all important, and it’s all totally worth it. And maybe one day, when your hair is messier than you would like, and your t-shirt has a coffee stain on the boob, you’ll run into someone who makes you nervous and excited at the same time. And maybe then you’ll think about marriage. But before you get there, it’s SO important to know yourself first.

AND let’s be real – if all else fails, you can just marry yourself.

via GIPHY

One woman explains why it's important to get to know yourself before marriage.

Sarah Durnin
Sarah is a freelance writer, an avid adventurer, superhero admirer, and video game nerd. Born in Canada and bred in the Middle East, Sarah currently lives in California’s SF Bay Area, where the palm trees and epic sunsets keep her happy and content.
Sarah Durnin

Sarah Durnin

Sarah is a freelance writer, an avid adventurer, superhero admirer, and video game nerd. Born in Canada and bred in the Middle East, Sarah currently lives in California's SF Bay Area, where the palm trees and epic sunsets keep her happy and content.

6 thoughts on “Marriage before 30? DON’T. DO. IT.

  • September 17, 2016 at 6:18 am
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    I got married at 20 but I met my husband when I was 18, I’m still happily married, have amazing sex and I must say I know myself better than most women my age. I think the misconception comes from the word “marriage” itself. People hear that word and automatically think ” well I can’t do that when I’m married” and that’s what the problem with marriage is. Society has rules and boundaries for married couples, and pounds them into our heads at a young age. For instance, married men can’t look at, talk to or think about other women. Likewise as a married woman you can’t think about or have fantasies about a man other than your husband, my question is why not? Like you said, be yourself, so why does being yourself stop when you get married, because your supposed to “please your spouse”. I think not, my spouse should be pleased with who I am as a whole, and vice versa. My spouse should be pleased with me being myself, why do I have to put in extra work, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a “relate”tionship. Thanks to reality TV and movies women jump at every opportunity to get jealous if their man looks at another woman, why?. Because we lack confidence. The media glorifies all these plastic, fake big booty, weave-a-licious, kim Kardashian type women, we actually believe that that’s what men like and we no longer appreciate or even know what a natural woman looks like. We lack confidence because we have been brainwashed to believe that’s what’s sexy and beautiful for the sake of the economy. Society wants us to waste our hard earned dollars on the plastic surgery and fake hair etc. So we can feel good about ourselves and “get a man” when in reality men don’t like that crap. You would be amazed at how many men like hair on their ladies, stretch marks on their mommy belly after giving birth to their children, wild hair in the morning, long baggy t shirts around the house. I can go on forever but I’d loose my point. If women knew what men really thought jealousy would be a thing of the past. But society made up that rule for marriage, why should I get mad if my man admires another woman, he knows who the mother of his children is, and he knows where home is. Looking at women is a part of who he is, so why should he stop being himself because we said our vows. My job is to accept him for who he is, and he is to acept me for who I am. I’m married, but it didn’t stop me or prohibit me from being myself and finding who I am, in some ways it helped me along the way, because I had someone there to pick me up when I had fallen, a shoulder to cry on, and a word of advice when I needed it. In many ways I married my best friend, that’s what marriage use to be, two messed up people willing to accept and love each other in all theirf messed-up glory. Marriage shouldn’t stop you from being yourself, it should encourage you to be yourself, because you know that no matter what, I love myself, make mistakes and get messy, and I don’t have to do it alone.

    Reply
    • September 17, 2016 at 9:13 am
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      Hi Carmella, thanks for your comment! Glad to see that you were able to find yourself within marriage, as not all women can or do at a young age. That’s wonderful!

      Reply
  • July 21, 2016 at 6:20 pm
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    thankx sarah..!! you encourages me to be brave, to dare to ignore the rules, to go out and grab hold of everything in this world that you know you deserve.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Sarah
      July 22, 2016 at 3:12 pm
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      Mmhmm GURL – that’s exactly what you should do!! You’ve gotta be brave, so that you know what you’re made of. So that you can feel proud of yourself! Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life. I spent so much time worrying and trying to please others, that I really didn’t know what I wanted half the time. It’s just not the way to live. So yes, get out there, be brave, break a rule or two, and always always always do it for yourself. If I can do it, you can do it! 😉

      Reply
  • July 21, 2016 at 3:16 pm
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    *applauses* This is wonderful ! I think society raises us with idea that we have to get settled down quickly and there isn’t much for self-discovery. And let’s face it, when most rushed relationships don’t end well.

    Reply
    • Sarah
      July 21, 2016 at 5:24 pm
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      Exactly! Well put, Aby! (And thanks for the applause!) Here’s to boycotting society on this subject, and to spending more time on self-discovery! *fist bump*

      Reply

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