I’ve been a magnet for the use of positive energy and meditation for as long as I can remember. I have often found myself wanting or expecting the impossible, and yet, despite the odds, I [almost] always managed to be gifted, or manifest miracles. It’s not always an easy road. It’s a practice. I’ve been relentlessly dedicated to creating the best version of myself. In doing this there had to be sacrifices, burdens, pain, and acceptances that were all but simple. No matter how complicated any circumstance or change, I had to be dedicated to the positive potential.
I grew up in a Christian home, my dad was a pastor; we attended church every Sunday. We didn’t have much and for most of my teenage years I felt like the only answer to anything I ever asked for was no. Around the time that I was finishing high school and questioning all things Christian that I found a passage in the Bible that said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.” (Matthew 7:7, also Luke 11:9)
Instead of reading this as I had for so many years, as a command of obedience without which would insight a punishable offense, I saw it as a proclamation of hope, an act of grace that not only I could receive, but I also could give. I started small, and tried to avoid the obvious secular request for stuff, asking for peace of mind, hope, and signs that I was doing the right thing or moving in the right direction. I had no idea what to look for, but after a while I realized that my mind was shifting, my decisions changed. I began to notice that I was able to feel ease in the dawn of oncoming breakdowns or surprises.
With these internal movements, so moved my existential awareness. It was the beginning of my power of self-awareness. I found the platform to develop the skills to determine what I needed and how to adjust and transform both my surroundings and myself in order to be more encouraging and nurturing to the process. Although my faith faded, my openness and practice to grow personally and spiritually was set alight.
I moved to San Diego in 2004 when I was 18 years old. It was the only place I have ever wanted to be; I knew I belonged in California deep in my soul. Shortly after settling in, I started school. I landed by coincidence in the most eye opening class I’ve ever had. Religion 101. I realized that it was in everyone to be open, every faith, every practice. That to be accepting and spiritual and most importantly, good was inherent in each of us. I craved spiritual wisdom like a deprived addict. I connected to this path as if it was laid in my own footprints.
In 2005 I was introduced to The Secret. It was this explosive new age revelation of actualization and manifestation, a call to practice, an inclusive doctrine for all. It was simple, easy to follow, so certain it seemed dubious, but enticing and familiar. The law of attraction encourages an open mind and courage to focus on an outcome in order to manifest its existence– what you put out in the universe comes back…ask and you shall receive. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
Rhonda Byrne put her finger on it. She grasped this ancient meditation and with astute delivery, she broke down the application of this law for millions of people. And as for me…
…I was struggling, with money, jobs, and being a young wife. Not only did the idea of attracting everything I wanted give me hope, but also it gave me purpose. I not only had to learn who I was and what I truly wanted, but I had to be willing to ask for it with complete confidence knowing that I deserved it and would do my best with it.
I, unquestionably, was an amateur. I had no idea how to put into practice these ideas of purpose and altering states of my experience to craft a better experience for myself and for those around me; I just knew I understood the concept. I believed, even if a little skeptically, I felt truth. I think in a more honest admission, I was most afraid of succeeding, and being rewarded while feeling undeserving. The message of action still haunted my mind, so relentlessly, in secret I did my best to sort it out.
The first job I had in San Diego was a receptionist position at a Bally Total Fitness. I quickly made friends with all the trainers, one in particular made me laugh. He didn’t tease me, bother me or ask me out. He was respectful, caring and modest. I liked him. Close to my 19th birthday we started to hang out, watch movies, play video games and just chill. He was older, he could’ve been out on the town drinking, clubbing and dancing, but he liked hanging out with me and we laughed a lot. It was comfortable, safe and loving. I was so lucky to be cared for by someone so genuine.
I was also good at the relationship thing, my first real one, but it felt easy and rewarding. We moved in together the next year, tried out new jobs and went to school. We got married when I was 22, and we moved a few times after that, always stuck together, the best of friends. However, something was missing for me. He knew. I talked to him about needing something different, I felt guilty, he was more than good enough, but something was different in me. I was attracted to women, always had been and had always been open with him about it. As time passed I was still giving everything I had, but not feeling connected like I wanted to. Right before our 5-year wedding anniversary I had to tell him that our relationship wasn’t fulfilling me. We both were devastated.
He was amazing, truly a great man, husband, and everything anybody could ever want, and perfect except, he was not a woman. It wasn’t his fault, there’s nothing he could have done differently, but I couldn’t help how I felt, and I couldn’t stop his suffering. It was excruciating to dissolve something so sound as a marriage without anything truly being wrong and potentially losing my best friend at the same time. No matter how dark this place was; this was a pivotal and honest process in my journey of self-actualization.
In the same year that I got a divorce, I came out as gay to my immediate family, crushing my mother’s hope for me and testing her understanding of love. I was given the most important person/gift of my life, found love, fought for love, learned what true resilience demands, found my greatest purpose in this life, and graduated college. The grandest test of my growth, my knowledge, and my self work that year was to create space and dedicate time to believing, and acting as though I was unimaginably capable and deserving of manifesting positive abundance in my life, against the tribulations, suffering and struggles. I deserved to be true to myself and happy.
This all took an insurmountable amount of patience. I had to adopt the skill and develop its implicit nature in opposition of my restlessness in order to overcome time. The most miraculous thing about this internal resistance is that it vanished the instant I accepted my truth, accepted myself as gay.
My expressions of self-worth, self-awareness and self-actualization became gifts that I manifested, a self I created in beauty and truth and continue to create in order to help others. You deserve to honor and utilize your gift of attraction as a spiritual being, as you are worthy of the joy and rewards that come with asking for what you want. Be committed to putting your best self out in the universe, speak it, actualize it with confidence and you will have more and will become greater than you could’ve ever imagined.
Here are some amazing references for your exploration of self-actualization:
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
The Secret: Law of Attraction on Youtube:
Healing Mantras and Manifestations: