I’m Choosing Myself For Once

We say we are choosing happiness when we are in relationships, but if these relationships are toxic relationships or relationships where we are not happy, we are actually not choosing ourselves. We are choosing to allow others to be happy over ourselves. Because if we are allowing them to mistreat us, use us, and steal our joy and peace, we are the ones that are miserable while they are sitting back enjoying the view at the top of Egotistical Mountain.

A lot of my choices in relationships were pretty much based on who was around or who made me feel good in that moment. Unfortunately, I ended up being the home girl, the girlfriend that was never taken seriously, or the chick that gets all the compliments and invitations to Netflix and chill, but never anything real.  I always chose randoms, as Heather Lindsey calls them. I chose those that were convenient or those that were stranglers, instead of choosing what I truly needed.

As I’ve grown, I’ve come to recognize I want more. I want to choose wisely. And that number one choice needs to be to choose myself for once, my inner self. In the past, I catered to my outer self, the flesh, my emotions. While feeding these aspects of myself, my self-worth and inner being suffered and lacked nourishment and love.  It’s sort of like putting on makeup but never clearing off the makeup from the day before. It’s like piling on the beauty while what’s underneath can’t breathe and is never cleaned.

This has been my dating life, piling on one new boo after the next. And to make it so bad, each new boo had the same jerk tendencies as the last. So, it was never a fresh start. Each time I made another bad choice, it was a re-test that I still managed to fail.

It’s time I choose myself for once, where I am choosing a new type of happiness, even if I am alone.  Alone in the sense of space, not lonely for someone.

  • Choosing myself means putting my well-being as number one. Cutting off every random that shows random tendencies.
  • Choosing myself means that I am ready to fight the battles that may come with being lonely. Finding avenues of happiness besides a relationship.
  • Choosing myself means learning how to be alone until I’ve learned who the right ones are for me. Evaluating my past decisions and recognizing those negative traits I ignored in past partners.
  • Choosing myself can, in a sense, also mean denying myself comforts of the past. Denying myself false comforts that will eventually leave me feeling empty.

To see a change, to have true happiness, I must demand my inner being to have faith in the future, and I must choose to move forward and not backwards. No matter how much the past tempts me to choose to settle, once and for all, I choose to love ME the most.

Tired of meaningless relationships and not being given respect or the love she deserves, one woman has decided to break the pattern and is finally choosing herself and all that comes with that.

Patricia Commander
For nearly six years, Patricia has been a librarian and is now managing a writing center for graduate and doctoral level students. She finds true solace in the very art of words and writing. She enjoys performing spoken word, crafting, and is currently trying to master meditation and prayer. Patricia’s writing has stemmed from hurt, joy, and lessons learned through her memorable life experiences.
Patricia Commander

Patricia Commander

For nearly six years, Patricia has been a librarian and is now managing a writing center for graduate and doctoral level students. She finds true solace in the very art of words and writing. She enjoys performing spoken word, crafting, and is currently trying to master meditation and prayer. Patricia’s writing has stemmed from hurt, joy, and lessons learned through her memorable life experiences.

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