Okay, so first things first, I love sex. Here’s the kick: though I love sex, I stopped having it. By choice.
Doesn’t make sense right?
Well, here’s the deal — the bottom line for me is that sex isn’t always worth it. There’s a number of factors and I could go through some of the most obvious ones like feelings, commitment, expectations; you get the point, right? But my main concern is that sex has gotten too casual and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, at least in my perspective.
The first time I went celibate, I was a junior in college. My ultimate reasoning was because I felt like I needed to get more control of my life. The year prior was rough — I lost a number of friends, my relationship, my work load was insane and I was assaulted (which I explained in a previous post). I concluded the year by rebelling against my normal day to day. I still managed to keep my school to work load intact but I went out more, dated a ton and put myself in situations I normally would think twice about. I felt like I was testing my limit a bit and then I cracked.
I realized that year that I needed to figure out what I was going to do and I couldn’t let external factors dictate my life. Quitting sex was more so an accident that time. I really just wanted to cut people I didn’t need out of my life. I wanted to be alone and focus on what I needed to do for myself.
I really feel like it worked too, as I got my professional life intact that year. I landed a full-time position in NYC, an internship that I loved, and started making plans to pursue my writing career. I explored and fell in love with myself all over again. I didn’t feel the pressure to give myself to anyone physically, emotionally, etc… I really benefited from the accidental decision.
The year of my graduation was another tough one. I got sick and had a number of interpersonal issues. I can honestly say I grew and took a lot from that year.
The main thing I learned was that I use sexual relationships as a distraction from whatever was going on with myself. Combine that with how dating in the 2000s work and the views on casual sex and you can guess why that is not a good thing.
This led to me intentionally cutting sex from my life yet again.
Now lets slow things down a bit. Understand that I’m not blaming my second run on celibacy entirely on bad experiences. What I’m saying is that I noticed a change in myself from these experiences that I don’t like. I could function a lot better being celibate than when I wasn’t. Sex for me turned from something emotional to an action that I really felt nothing for. Because of this I had unneeded ties to people that weren’t serving me, at all.
When you have intimate relationships there are always some form of expectations or feelings. Frankly, I couldn’t and didn’t really desire to meet any of them. Did that stop people from feeling entitled to my time, space or body? No. And that irked me.
In my perspective, I feel that society puts sex as an expectation when you’re in the dating game. It’s supposed to be something that just happens and when it doesn’t there’s questions. Why?
So again I cut sex off to ultimately get more in touch with myself and to get that alone time I had before. I just don’t enjoy feeling like there is something expected of me or that people have the right to experience with me, because no one does. Personally, I just don’t feel the need to be sexually active at the moment.
I like to think I’m detoxing by cutting out unneeded relationships and situations and while I do that I’m focusing on healing myself and bringing in things I didn’t realize that were actually good for me.
Does this mean I’m quitting sex for good? No. However, I do not have a set time for my celibacy journey. It could change tomorrow, or next year, who knows. The point is that quitting celibacy won’t happen on anyone else’s time or word — it will only be something that I choose to participate in again when I’m ready.